Saturday, December 11, 2010

Feeling Broken ...

Sorry for the lack of posts the past few days ... I have absolutely no desire, no motivation to do much of anything anymore. Well, aside of look for a new job. I just feel completely tired of trying so hard only to have things fail. This year has been one that I would love to just forget ever happened.

Right now my mind is a mess. I am trying to figure out how I am going to come up with rent before the end of the month and also pay my phone and internet bills. I also have no money for groceries and have a fridge that is near empty. I have been through rough patches before but never this ongoing.

I appreciate all of your kind words, I really do, I just don't know how much of it I actually believe in anymore. And it being the Christmas season is only making things feel 100 times worse. Especially when people talk about the gifts they buy and the family they get to spend it with. I have neither so it just adds salt to the gaping wound.

9 comments:

Ray's Cowboy said...

doyou have a fisrt call for help, they help with rent and stuff like that. Also do you have a food bank pantry, you can get food there. It my not be campange but at least you can have food.

Things will get better.
Hugs
Ray

Philly Pig Bear said...

I know it's absolutely no consolation as you sit alone in your apartment and worry how you are going to keep a roof over your head, but try to remember that there are hundreds of thousands of us in the same boat. I lost my job in October of 2008. I've exhausted all UC benefits and have yet to find anything. It seems that I'm over or under qualified for every job I apply for. Now prospective employers have the audacity to ask why I haven't had a job in over two years. I finally asked "were you hiring 5, 10, 15, 20 months ago? Did I miss the posting?" I wasn't getting the job anyway so nothing was lost.
Don't be ashamed to ask for help from friends, family or even strangers. There is help out there. Keep reminding our political leaders that we exist, don't be silent! The worst mistake is to think you are alone.

Anonymous said...

Philly Pig Bear is absolutely right. Don't think that you are alone, you are not. Don't give up. You have to go on looking for a job whatever it is. There is no other way. And there are brighter days to come.

mathada said...

I have been unemployed since May 2010. And I have a Master's in Biochemistry with 5 years of working experience.
My point is, people from all walks of life have it rough now! Just take whatever you can find.
A job is a job...so starting next week, I'm starting work as a custodian during nights. If I was in better shape (physically), I'd sell my ass on ebay. But for now, if cleaning toilets will pay my bills, I'll do it with pride! :)

Duluth MN Guy said...

I agree with what the other guys have said - you're not alone. There are a lot of us who didn't even know there was a recession going on because we were struggling way before this recession even arrived.

One thing that is really difficult about being gay is this illusion that we are all extremely wealthy, overeducated and and are living in multi-million dollar condos in the most progressive cities in the country, where the most gay-friendly straight people are, and the least friendly gay people are towards each other.

The problem I am gathering with your situation is that you live in one of the most expensive cities in the country. I did also, and I had to move home to Duluth, Minnesota. While this was not something I ever imagined I'd have to do, I now know it's something I didn't have much choice about. You can not move forward in your life if you are in a place where you constantly are bobbing your head in the pool just to stay afloat - you will forever be worrying and miserable because you're just getting by. And for what? To live in a city where the expectations and the attitude are terrible, where gay people love to attack and ridicule each other, and you will never become a home owner or other things you dream of, only because the cost of living is so high that it's robbing you of everything else you wanted?

When I moved home, I got to achieve something I never thought possible - since I was living in a city that was actually affordable, I completed my four year degree. I can travel a few times a year and have fun. These are things I never could do before because most of my paycheck went to rent. Even worse, I never met anyone because I was so busy working or I felt so hopeless about the gay community I had no interest in even going out. Now I live in a city with virtually no gay people, but I feel a LOT better about who I am, and I feel much better having my family around.

I don't know if California is going to get any less expensive . I've met a lot of people who have finally figured it's just not worth it and came home.

Anonymous said...

Write down a plan, because in times like these, despondence will only allow you to scrape by uncomfortably. Being proactive and aware of opportunities, or aware of benefits your are entitled to, is your best bet. Stop moping. Christmas comes and goes - as does winter, don't let it be a scapegoat for your complacency.

You don't realise how conscious an action it is, to deny yourself these self deprecating moods. And if you'd like to argue, some popular culture psychology about not supressing 'feelings' go ahead, but I can tell you whichever psychological way you look at it, you will need to pull your finger out even further.

Be proud of the extra effort you put in, and make sure you end your days feeling absolutely exhausted.

Anonymous said...

This is a great time to start a business! After 20+ years in the corporate world of NYC, loads of experience, college degree, all kinds of accolades...I found myself literally destitute at one point. As usual, it was a long story. I started cleaning houses and offices. I charge $25 an hour. Some charge more. I'm very good at it and I have several clients who love my work. I'm reliable. I show up on time and I get the work done. This is just a suggestion. Maybe you can think of something you really like to do and turn it into a money making proposition. This is really the best time to start a business. Think of something that requires very little start up costs and something that you can do alone to get started. Good luck.

Thirty3 Naked Laydies said...

I wish I lived closer to you -- 'cuz I want to give you the biggest bear hug ever and invite you to spend the holidays with me and my boyfriend! The words of your readers -- both REAL and from genuine places. That's one reason why every time I look at the Capitol building here in DC (just steps from my front door)... I want to smack-slap every last congress-person. Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. I know this sounds soooooo weird right now, but this too shall pass. Will email you.

Anonymous said...

Damn I wish I was with you right now while you're down. I skull fuck you silly.