Monday, June 15, 2009

I Feel Broken ...

This is a picture free post, need to get this out of my system. I feel like I am trying so hard and not making any progress. I am applying to jobs and not getting any calls or emails back from them. I have at least applied to 1-2 jobs a day, some being things I would never even consider. I feel like I am at my breaking point. I do not know what to expect anymore and part of me just wants to give up. I am fairly certain that I am not going to be able to make my half of rent this month. This means that I am more than likely going to be threatened with eviction. In the past I have always had options. This is the first time in my life that I honestly feel at a complete loss.

There have been a couple of people that have been nice enough to send me some money so that I could make my laptop payment and also put some towards rent and I truly appreciate that. However, this gets me nowhere near the $800 I have to come up with. Actually, factoring in bills, I need close to $1,000. I was hoping that more people would be able to help me out. Unfortunately, that does not seem to be the case. As each day passes I become filled with more fear and more desperation. If it were just me, I would have already given up. But I have to factor in my roommate, who is on disability and can barely cover his needs, and I also have to factor in my dog. I feel that I have fucked up so many others lives than just my own.

You may find that there are less and less posts on this blog, this is for a couple of reasons. One being the inevitable, that it may just end up being closed. If I cannot make my laptop payments semi-monthly then I will not be able to keep the laptop. The second being my lack of interest in anything these days. Most of the time I want to crawl into bed, get under the covers and not come out of my room. I figure that way I then don't have to deal with anything for the time being. I just don't know what I am going to do anymore ...

I am no longer talking to my parents, that in itself is a very long story. Cliff Notes version, they treat me like shit, lie to me and would rather avoid me than talk about anything. Also, they are in the midwest. So any thought of moving back there is pretty much squashed. I have had people send me phone numbers and contacts at specific groups that may be able to help us out. Some of the contacts are specific to living in San Francisco, which I do not. There seems to be nothing in the East Bay that is available to people in my situation. Sure, there are services out there but they tend to only help out those in worse situations. Unfortunately, that is not yet the case here. My roommate and I have also been trying to get case management at another place but they appear to be useless. Our information has already been passed to two different people and no one will give us a call back. We call and leave messages but still no call back. On top of it, the place we would need to go to is in Martinez ... I do not have a car. The only way to get there is BART them Metra. To do this ... you need money! I have VERY little of that. I have asked friends for help and they either completely ignore me or say they cannot because things are hard for them as well.

I guess I am telling you all of this for a couple of reasons. The main being that I am hoping that someone, or a few people, can help me out of this situation. I know alot of blogs or internet users make up stories or whatever so that they can scam people out of money. That is not the case with me ... that is not the person I am. I need help and am at a complete loss. The other reason is to show, or tell, you that I am trying to work things out. I know there are options/services out there and I have tried to get use of them. But nothing seems to work in my favor. I have even posted ads on Craigslist. They first started out with me offering to clean people's houses. When that did not work out, I changed it to offering sex for money, that has failed. Primarily because I do not have a perfect body or a big dick. Anyway ...

I just don't know what else to do aside of give up. I have sold most of the things I own that can bring in any cash. I do not own many things that can bring in anything. Most of what I own is still at my parents house, locked in their garage and, as they will tell anyone, they claim I told them to keep it all because I owe them money. Sure, I do owe them some ... But I would never tell them to keep all of my personal items. I will stop there. That is a whole other story.

I feel like this is my last attempt to plea to anyone out there that may be reading this blog. If you can help me out financially, in any way possible, please get in contact with me. You can send the money via Paypal or, if not comfortable with that, I can give you my address and you can mail it to me. I hate to beg but at this point I am willing to do what ever it takes.

I will try my best to keep this blog going but I am not going to make any promises. My hopes are broken and my willpower is not far behind it. Please ... if you can, I need your help.

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